DISCLAIMER: This is my first blog ever... I don't have a Twitter, and I barely even update my status on Facebook, so bear with me :)
DISCLAIMER 2: Contrary to the title of the blog, I got better at Korean after taking it for 2 semesters, but I still think it's pretty bad...
SHOUT-OUT: Thank you so much to the awesome people at the Richard U. Light Foundation! You made this amazing opportunity to study abroad possible, and I can't thank you enough!
Exactly one week from today, I'll be on a plane headed to the motherland (kind of, since I wasn't born there) of Korea. That's the crappy thing about being Korean-American: this gray area. Am I allowed to call Korea the motherland? Do I cheer for Korea or the US in the World Cup? Can I pull off the peace sign + cheesy smile in pictures? This obscurity is exactly what makes me slightly more nervous than excited to go to Korea. Let me explain more...
There are exceptions, of course. But from my life experiences, I've come to know native Koreans as being extreme, lying on the ends, and not in the middle, of the spectrum. For example, if they like/approve of something (for the sake of staying consistent with Korean culture, we'll say that this "something" is a singer), they will display utter fanaticism for this singer, literally to the point of tears (I've seen Korean girls cry at Big Bang and 2 PM concerts). And if they dislike/disapprove of something/someone, they will make it known. Feel free to disagree with me, but here's why I staunchly believe Koreans "disapprove" of Korean-Americans (especially ones who can't speak Korean)...
I last visited Korea way back in the day, as an awkward 6th grader. My Korean was worse than it is now, and I was completely ignorant of the culture. I've told this story to a bunch of people (if you've already heard it, skip over), and I feel the need to repeat it because it was pretty scarring... Feeling pretty confident in my speaking abilities as I walked into a Burger King, I felt as if I could place the order myself instead of deferring to my native-Korean cousin. So that's what I did. I ordered lunch for me and my cousin, but what I got in return turned out to be much more... After I finished my short bit in Korean, I reached for my wallet, but stopped when I saw the cashier giggling with her hand over her mouth. I stood there confused but smiling, looking over at my cousin. Then the cashier called her coworkers over from the back, and they all stood around her, looking at me excitedly as she told me, "Say that one more time."
Some of you may have expected me to tell you something worse, like witnessing a murder or having an awkward experience in the public bathhouse (which is kinda true), and might not think that this is that bad. Others of you may even try to defend her, claiming that she thought my accent was "cute." Say/think what you want, but ever since then, I've never been more self-conscious about my Korean. Every look, every glare I received from a native, I've perceived it as judgment. Every time I speak Korean to/near a native, I feel automatically inferior. I can almost hear all natives collectively telling me, "Wow. You can't even speak your own language. You're not really Korean."
Which is a HUGE reason why I'm going back to the danger zone in the first place :) I figured, instead of continuously running away from this fear, maybe I should confront it head-on and actually get better at speaking Korean (at Sogang University!). I should embrace my ethnicity instead of trying to avoid something that's inherently part of me. And don't think of learning Korean as a way of "giving in" to the few natives who do indeed treat me condescendingly. I've come to the realization that I don't have to be confused about which side to embrace. Unlike most things in life, I can have both. Korean-American is its own ethnicity in itself. If you're not convinced, please see our official flag at the top of the page :)
It's definitely not "giving in." If you can master Korean, you win. And though they might judge you for not being able to speak Korean, they can't look down on you for trying to learn; that's admirable in everybody's eyes.
ReplyDeleteHURRY SO WE CAN RAGE TOGETHER
I was born in China but raised in the US, and now I'm a US citizen. I don't know who to root for in the Olympics!!! So, I usually pick the team that has the greater chance of winning [Track and Field => US, Synchronized Diving => China].
ReplyDeleteI'm really looking forward to your blog, Paul. I moved to Korea for 6 years with my Korean-American wife, so I definitely saw first-hand a lot of what you're describing. Let me offer this:
ReplyDeleteI came over time not to think of Koreans as judgmental, per se, but as drawing from a very narrow concept of ethnicity, language, nationality. I say that, of course, completely in awe with a nation that went from literally flattened after the Korean War to one of the top economies on the planet (all the while cut in half, separated from much of the natural resources that could have greatly aided this rise).
In other words, I think when you were laughed at (as I was constantly ... or just stared at, etc.) it's because of how UNUSUAL you are to that person with a very narrow view of such things. That's not judgment - it's nervousness, excitement, confusion. All things that have very little to do with you and everything to do with the person across the counter from you at Burger King.
Embrace this opportunity, therefore, to broaden some Korean perspectives. You won't always succeed - and even when you do, you might be considered the "exception" to the rule.
In that process, you'll find inspiration in your own wider journey through Korean-ness.
많이 배우고와! :)
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